November 20th - 22nd, 2011

Switching back to the mode of chronological order... I'm able to remember more details of the period, which translates to longer posts. :) As such, I will probably post more than one. I'm not sorry. :) There is a lot from that time that I remember and want to record.

First, some background:
When I moved to Provo to help with Mom, it soon became apparent that I would also need to leave my ward in Salt Lake for the duration. Having church from 11-2 in Salt Lake didn't allow for much flexibility with allowing others to attend their meetings. So I left my cute sunbeams for awhile. (I don't think they even realized I was gone...) :) The Sunday schedule ended up being Rachel and/or Amy with Mom in the morning while I attended meetings from 9-12 and then I had the afternoon with Mom. The ward we lived in during my late teens had been split, so I attended the one that my parents weren't attending. It was great to be surrounded by people that I knew and that knew and loved Mom.  I certainly didn't feel alone being the constant visitor in the ward. I did switch a few times and attended a singles ward with my good friends, the Wilcox's, a few Sundays. Good people, great support!

Also throughout the previous weeks, my aunts and sister would help Mom out of bed each day. They felt it would help her to not be stuck in her bed all the time. At first, Mom was able to support some of her weight, so it wasn't as difficult for us to move her, but we still needed two people to help shift her around. Gradually her strength depleted and she wasn't able to hold herself. I was able to move her occasionally by just giving her a big bear hug and holding her until those around me had maneuvered things to get her situated.

Through trial and error we had also been able to change her diaper situation. Mom had started to sleep longer at night and that resulted in having to switch the bedding a lot more, sometimes in the middle of the night and sometimes more than once. So it would often be the case, that I got to sleep through the night as well. We got pretty efficient at being able to maneuver Mom and change the bedding AND sponge bathe her... We discovered talents we never knew we had! :)

As we needed to make her bedroom work more efficiently, we tried different arrangements until we settled on one where her bed was next to the front window and my bed was at the foot of hers making a backwards L. This proved to be a great thing for her because she was able to lift her left hand (her good one, not as effected by the stroke she had earlier in the summer) and open the blinds and look outside. She did this quite often and was our lookout for whenever we had visitors. :)

So, with that background... Sunday, November 20th.

My Salt Lake ward was having their primary program that Sunday and I had really wanted to go. So I arranged things with Amy and Rachel to have that Sunday "off". My roommate was also teaching RS that Sunday, so I went early to her class and then headed over to my ward. There are few things as awesome as primary programs! Seriously! Single wards miss out! :)

Towards evening, I received a text from Rachel asking for my help with moving Mom. When I got there to move Mom from the recliner to her bed, I was informed that moving her was much more difficult now and Mom wasn't able to help at all, so a 2 person job went to a 3 person job. I think we all felt that is was time we stopped moving her as the risk of her getting hurt was too great. I was informed that the day had been a pretty rough day for them. Mom had been in the "cloud" phase of that cycle for a few days and things just didn't seem to go well. Jolaine had left the day before to Arizona to be with her family for Thanksgiving as well as to see her doctor's about her diabetes that she was dealing with through all of this. It was a pretty somber household that night when I returned. Mom was still passing blood clots, which was news to Dad, but it had been happening off and on for awhile. When I asked the head nurse with Hospice about it, she mentioned that it was fairly normal and that we should only be concerned when the clots were bigger than what we had been seeing.

Monday, November 21st

Just after getting Mom ready for the day and nearly ready to head into work, Dad talked to me about Mom's state. He mentioned that he didn't think she had much time left. Dad had taken care of both of his parents during their final days and so was speaking from his experience and how unresponsive Mom was being. He predicted she wouldn't last to the end of the month. While wanting to accept his experience with death, but also having a hard time accepting such news, I struggled with how to respond to that. I finally said that this wasn't the first time things got low with Mom. It was how the cycle went. While taking these things seriously, I also reminded him that she had surprised us before... many times.

I can't even tell you how hard it is to accept these things. I had the past 2 months to prepare myself and I did, but it doesn't make the prospect any easier to accept. Early on in this process, I remember having a conversation with myself. I was struggling with wanting to just lay in bed and cry about it all and wanting to hope for a miracle. I remember distinctly feeling that it wasn't time to mourn. She was still with us. That became my motive. She was still here and I was going to make the most of every opportunity. I knew there would be time to mourn later.

I went to work and then late afternoon/early evening I received a text or call from either Rachel or Dad, I think Rachel, stating that the head hospice nurse, Cammie, had stated that things looked bleak. That Mom had "turned a corner" and she wasn't going to last too much longer.

I called my brother Freeman, who had mentioned that he and his family had thought about going over to see Mom that night, but had some things come up and weren't sure anymore. I told him what Cammie had said and encouraged them to go over.

I left work and headed home. I have learned that the grieving process is a very delicate thing. And personal. Sometimes it helps to be positive. Sometimes it helps to have people around. Sometimes all you want from people is a sincere expression of sympathy. And sometimes you need to just be left alone to cry. It is really hard to know what to say to people. In my experience, I say, express sincere caring and keep it simple, but do say something. It was difficult for me to have friends that knew about the situation and yet they never said anything to me. I understand that it's hard to know what to say, I do. I've been there, but being the one going through it, feeling ignored or alone makes it worse. At least for me, the Lord gives me strength from those that love and care about me. Luckily for me, I really don't ever need to worry about the lack of support. I have been blessed with knowing the best of the best! It makes me try to be a better friend to them and others. I have a ways to go. :)

That was a tough evening.


Tuesday, November 22nd


As Jolaine was in Arizona, the job of taking care of Mom fell completely to Rachel, which made it difficult having Chloe around all the time. With the news of the day before and all that needed doing, I chose to take the day off of work and be around to help.

But guess what... Mom was awake! And I mean on the upside of the cycle kind of "awake". She was totally responding to us. I spent most of the day downstairs keeping Chloe occupied and Rachel sat with Mom. Mom was confused with the change in everyone and she asked Rachel something, which Rachel wasn't sure, but thought Mom asked, "Am I dying?"

One morning, before leaving for work, I sat talking with Mom and asked her what she was thinking about. She gestured to the wall and I started guessing things that were hanging on it. There was a picture of the Mesa temple and upon guessing that, she said, "Yes!" She was so limited in what she said and while she still was able to communicate so much, I can't wait for the day that I get to find out what she thought through all of this. Did she have conversations with people on the other side of the veil? I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Later that day, Cammie came to take Mom's vitals. She was surprised to see Mom as alert as she was. She was testing Mom's response with certain things and Mom wasn't trying very hard. I walked over and asked Mom to do the same things that Cammie had asked her to do and got an instant reaction. Cammie asked her a couple of questions and she would sometimes get a response from Mom. After she and my dad left the room, Rachel and I stood by Mom's bed talking with her and she was quick to respond to us and answer our questions. We laughed. Mom and her girls... we have a pretty strong connection. I did tell her that she was gonna have to start responding to others because people were going to think we were making it all up. :)

That night, Amy came over and was feeding Mom dinner. I sat on my bed talking on the phone. Soon it became a group discussion and I was joking around with Mom and Amy and not so focused to the person on the phone. After awhile I felt bad and got up to go into another room to finish the phone call. As I got up, Mom asked me where I was going. I mentioned that I was on the phone and her response was something like, "So what? Stay here!" So I did. :)

Oh did I mention that Amy and Rachel would make plane and train noises while feeding Mom? Such disrespect! "I" would never treat my mother that way... Mom just rolled her eyes... some things never change. :)

Well, that's enough for one post.

Mom ~ The Continuing Story

This post is going to be different than the last one about my Mom. It being such a long time since it happened, I have a hard time putting everything in chronological order, so this post will be pretty random.

Those of us that took care of Mom, began to notice a cycle to how she responded. At first it seemed that she perked up and was really responsive when my Aunt Jolaine was around. But soon, even she experienced the days when she too couldn't get Mom to respond. I label this period as "being in the clouds". Mom would look at us and for a second she recognized us and then it would be gone and she was in a world of her own. During this "cloud" period, getting her to drink or eat was quite challenging because she wouldn't focus for more than a few seconds at a time. Many times we had to repeatedly say her name to get her to focus. She wouldn't say much, if anything, when she was like this. This would go for a few days and then one morning she would wake up and be herself again, as if the past few days hadn't happened. We couldn't predict when the ups and downs would happen, but we did recognize the cycle. We also noticed that the cycle started lasting for longer periods. This brought some pretty low moments for many of us working with her. And then one morning, she'd be "awake" and wonder what we were so excited about. Because of this I experienced a few surprises. For instance, the picture below:

October 15, 2011

It was taken one early Saturday morning when I got up to go to the temple. Mom had been having a few rough days of being unresponsive. I went to the temple and came back to see how things were going. My aunt had taken the morning shift and gotten Mom breakfast. When I got to the house, no one was with Mom, so I went in to see her. As I stood next to her, she looked at me and smiled. I said, "It was a beautiful morning at the temple Mom." To which she responded, "I bet it was!" There she was. That was Mom. :) It may not seem like much, but that was a lot for her to say. In fact, if I remember correctly, it was the first thing she had said that day. Even my aunt was surprised when I told her.

Another early morning I changed her and asked if she was thirsty. I don't remember what response she gave, but I was getting her cup and straw and trying to get her to suck. Having had many experiences where I had to repeat her name to get her to do it, I started saying, "Mom... Mom... Suck on the straw. Mom..." At one point, I must have gotten impatient with her, thinking she was in the clouds again, when she said, "Just a minute, Sis!" Yep, she was still there. :) Mom always called her daughters, "Sis" or "Sissy." I remember when I was younger, I asked her why she referred to us as "Sis"... meaning sister, when she wasn't my sister... She responded that actually she was. For a child, I think that was the first time I understood the spiritual relationship we have with each other.

During all this, I had so much support from friends and co-workers. Not long after Mom had been diagnosed, I received a phone call from the marketing director at work, who informed me that the company wanted to do something for my family. She had experience with people dealing with cancer and asked if we would like having rubber bracelets made for her. At first I didn't understand and thought that bracelets weren't going to fix anything. She went on to say how she had done this with other families and what a difference a simple bracelet would make. She mentioned that they came in different sizes, even one for children. As soon as she mentioned children, I got it. (I'm slow...ok?) I thought of all my nieces and nephews and how much they would love to wear one. Duh! :) So I talked with my family and decided on having the following printed on the various blue bracelets: "Denna Stradling Marble" and " 'I will GO and DO' 1N 3:7" One of Mom's favorite scriptures. (Sidenote #1: You can't really write a lot on those things!) (Sidenote #2: Since reading parts of Mom's journals, I have read a few entries where she wrote that verse as being one of her favorites.) :)

One morning, as I was driving through Provo on my way to work, I saw this car:

Now, it isn't everyday that you spot your mother's very unique name on someone's license plate. Definitely a cool day for me. :)

A shout out to Mom's caregivers:

Amy, my older sister had been living with Mom and Dad for a few years and had been taking care of Mom all summer when we were thinking that Mom was just dealing with lead poisoning. Amy was Mom's right hand for so much over the past few years. Amy has done so much for Mom, words alone aren't enough. Amy continued to help as this change took place with whatever she could, even though she had since moved into a place of her own.

Dad had also done a terrific job of taking care of Mom over the summer, taking her for rides when she got sick of being in the house too long. Taking her to St. George to visit her mother Labor day weekend when she really wanted to be in Texas at my nephew's wedding, but we knew a trip that long wasn't possible with her health being the way it was... He did so much for her. After she became bedridden, he couldn't do as much as his ankles weren't strong enough to steady him with moving her around. But he helped as circumstances allowed, feeding her and reading scriptures with her. Obviously this was a hard time for him.

At the time of the diagnosis, my sister Sonja, was visiting from Texas and decided to stay on for another two weeks to help us get things under control and establish some routines. I'm sure those first couple of weeks would have been even more chaotic than they already were if she wasn't there. Such a great example!


Mom's older sister, Jolaine, lived in Arizona with her family, but when Mom was diagnosed, she temporarily moved in with us. She understood the methods that Mom wanted to use to fight this battle. My Aunt Kathy, and my grandma were also very involved in helping take care of Mom, but weren't able to spend the same time with her as Jolaine. And while the miracle that we were all hoping and praying for didn't happen, I believe that what was done was what helped Mom live as comfortably as she did those last few months. From everything that the doctor's and nurses had told us about how advanced the cancer was in her brain and the rest of her body, she should have been in more pain and most certainly not been as cognizant as she was. She wasn't really in much pain most of the time and what pain she experienced seemed to come from the circumstances of being in a bed all the time and other things... not really to do with any of the cancer inside of her. Besides "being in the clouds," she still was herself to the end. THAT, to me and many others, is the miracle that we witnessed during those months. For that, I am forever grateful for what my Aunt Jolaine, my Aunt Kathy, and my grandma did for Mom during that time.

Another huge help came in the form of two of our "babies" neither of which are actual babies anymore. Rachel, Mom's youngest and therefore Mom's "baby" temporally left her husband and home in Texas to come and take care of Mom. She brought her daughter, Chloe, a very strong-willed, cute, 2-year old. It became morning routine for Chloe to come wish Grandma "good morning" sit by her, hold her hand, blow kisses at grandma and then go look for food. :) When prompted to say, "I love you" she would say, "I too" meaning "I love you too!" You can imagine the exciting world this two year old lived in with different gadgets and buttons to press... We had to keep a close eye on this one to make sure she didn't decide to move grandma's hospital bed around when we weren't looking. Although, I'm sure grandma would've laughed at it being any other person going for a ride... :) Chloe was very germ conscience. She always said, "Hands" knowing that she needed to use hand-sanitizer before holding grandma's hand. Chloe also did a good job of keeping tabs on grandpa. :) Definitely a new experience having a little one around again. Amazing to have the joy and innocence of a child in our day to day lives. A very BIG help for one so small.

October 20, 2011 with Chloe

Rachel did so much during that time. She did a lot with meals and taking care of Mom, when she wasn't trying to keep Chloe contained and happy. She had a lot of other issues she was dealing with at this time, forefront, the prospect of losing her best friend, her mom, whom she had always been very close to. It was quite inspiring to witness the growth that Rachel went through during this time. Quite an amazing person in my life and someone I look up to quite a bit.

As you can see, I have some pretty awesome sisters! Sisters are the best! :) Brothers are pretty cool too. :) So many times my brothers came over to visit Mom or would pop by and mow the lawn or do some other thing that needed doing. One sister-in-law, Kayleen, who works from home as a virtual school principal came by on several occasions to sit with Mom and work from her laptop. Also, her daughter, my niece, Taylor, came by after school several times and just talked with Mom. Jolaine had told us to just talk about everyday things with her, even if she didn't always respond, Mom loved hearing what was going on in our lives. I remember one afternoon,Taylor came by and was just chatting away at Mom. It was so cute. Just the two of them, holding hands, talking. So many family members, friends, ward members helped us with cleaning, meals, and expressing love and support. We are truly blessed.

My family really is the greatest. It's true we had some pretty challenging times. Terminal illness brings out so many things I never thought would happen. But it was amazing to see how we all also did our best to lift and strengthen each other.

Mom loved seeing her grandkids. Even when she was "in the clouds" she still smiled anytime they came around. Here she is with Meisje (pronounced my-sha). The morning after this picture was taken, Mom woke up and was confused when we were saying it was Sunday. She seemed to think it was Saturday. When I asked her about different things that had happened the day before, one of which when some of the granddaughters came over, she didn't remember it at all. It was like the day hadn't happened for her. I can't comprehend how frustrating that must have been for her to feel like she was missing so much.

October 22, 2011 with Meisje

Another time, my sister-in-law, Amy came over with her 3 kids: Jackson, Carson, and Brooklyn. Brooklyn didn't want to be in the picture. :) 

November 13, 2011 with Jackson & Carson

Right after Mom was diagnosed, Freeman and Amy were talking with their boys about how sick grandma was and how much she needed their prayers to which Jackson responded with, "We have been praying! Is it time to fast for her?" A seven-year-old, who hates to fast (what 7-year-old doesn't?) but who loves his grandma so much and understood the power of fasting enough to want to exercise his faith on her behalf. I sure love this boy!

At Mom's funeral, her grandchildren sang, "A Child's Prayer" - one of Mom's favorites. During the whole song, Carson stood there sobbing. It nearly broke everyone's hearts. That night I told Carson that he did a good job singing that morning. "Thanks. Even though I was bawling!" was his response. I asked him why he was crying and he said quite matter of fact like, "Cause I don't want Grandma to live in heaven... I want her here." She loved, and was loved by, her family a great deal.


Interestingly during this time, I had become friends with a certain young man, who at that time, I thought was a pretty great guy. (Note: That relationship has since ended. And I am perfectly okay with that. :) ) The morning after things really started developing with this guy, I sat with Mom after getting her ready for the day and just talked with her. I told her about what I thought of him. I told her the things that were happening between us, just like I always had done. She smiled the whole time and asked things about him in her limited manner. It was cool to have that moment with her, just like old times.

As it was still a busy time at work and especially since I was taking care of Mom during the night, I often did the morning routine with her and wouldn't get to work super early. I wasn't able to leave work very early and by the time I got home, she would be ready for bed and sometimes, already asleep. Mom was an "early bird" her whole life, so it didn't surprise us that the mornings were her best time and she was the most alert. I cherish those mornings that I spent alone with her. By the end of the day she was pretty tired so there wasn't much conversing. One such night, I arrived just after she had eaten dinner, had her teeth brushed and was ready to go to sleep. I went in, turned off the lights and said, "Good night Mom. I love you." Just like I did most nights. This night though, she responded with, "I love you too, Emily." In that moment it struck me that I hadn't heard her say my name in a long time. It's funny that I didn't even notice when she had stopped. It made me ponder and as I went downstairs to see Rachel, she noticed that I was quiet and asked what was the matter. When I told her that Mom had said my name, she RACED up the stairs to see if Mom would say hers. :) It's funny how we got into the mode of taking care of her that we didn't notice how much we missed our mom being a mom.

The first week after the diagnosis, when things really took a nosedive with her, there was one evening, after she was ready for bed that I sat in her room thinking over the events of the day. Everything was so hard and there were challenges that had come up that I didn't know what to do. I felt that it would be best for me to be around the house the next day so I quietly called my boss and left a message stating that I wouldn't be coming in the next day. As I stated that things were pretty stressful, my voice cracked as I started crying. Right then, I noticed my Mom, who had been asleep, looking at me very intently. I quickly ended the message and went to her bedside and asked what was the matter. She just looked at me with a concerned expression on her face. I asked her what she was concerned about, thinking she might be in pain. She just said one word, "You!" Even during an extremely hard time, she still was more concerned about others than herself.  I quickly reassured her that I would be fine. I know from conversations that I had with Rachel, that Mom often expressed her concern for various family members. Even a woman as limited in her ability to communicate was still able to express a deep sense of love to us, her children and family. Quite an amazing woman.

I have one more in mind to write, so... it isn't over yet. :)