Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Mom was still doing well, so I went to work that day. We had Thanksgiving Dinner prep work to do, so there isn't much I can remember from this day.
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Our family does Thanksgiving together every other year, allowing for those with in-laws to be able to spend time with them. This was our year. My brother Jonathan was in charge of planning it and they opted to have it in Provo to allow family to be able to visit with Mom throughout the day. We reserved my parents stake center and that is where most of us spent the day. Amy decided to sit with Mom for the day. It was a good day spent with family. And Mom was still doing well. This actually surprised me and I thought that it might be a gift for our family that week... if that makes sense.
Friday, November 25, 2011
As the previous day, I think Amy and Rachel were the ones taking care of Mom, and that I would be with Mom all day on Saturday. So I planned to go with my sister-in-law to work on a top secret Christmas present. Again, Mom was still pretty responsive most of the time.
Saturday, November 26, 2011
Having been away for most of the previous days, it was my turn to spend the day with Mom. I woke up and just had a lazy morning, just laying in bed reading. I read a conference talk to Mom and just chilled. At one point I thought that I might offend someone with my stench and my lack of showering and got up to go get ready for the day. As with Tuesday night, Mom gave me a questioning look of, "Where are you going?" I told her I was going to go shower and she asked, "Why?" :) It was clear that Mom would rather put up with a stinky daughter than to be left alone. Not to worry, I did shower that day. :)
My brother David called and had each of his family take a turn talking to Mom. They were headed out to celebrate early with my brother-in-law, Steven, for his birthday was on Monday. It was cute to see her respond to each one.
It was probably the first day that I spent with Mom, pretty much alone. I had spent Sunday afternoons alone with her, but this was the whole day. I gained an appreciation for those that had been doing it all along. It's tough! As with her normal state, she grew more tired in the evenings and was less responsive. Feeling a little lonely by the end of the day, even though there were people around, they were busy with other things and I started a little pity party for myself. I'm not proud of this moment, but I want to be real about what I experienced and felt. I was trying to feed Mom dinner, but she hadn't really been eating a great deal. At one point as I was feeling sorry for myself, despite the condition of the woman in front of me... I started crying. Mom looked at me with concern, but seemed to understand. She wouldn't open her mouth and I asked her if she wanted to eat. She didn't respond, just looked at me. I asked her again, and again she didn't indicate either way. Being in the state that I was, I lost my patience and pretty much demanded that she tell me whether she wanted to keep eating or I was going to decide for her. (See... not a great moment for me... I mean what kind of person acts like that with their mother... on her deathbed?!?) She just looked at me. So I angrily walked out of the room to put her food away. As I continued to get her ready for bed, I sobbed and apologized to her for losing my patience. I'm pretty confident she didn't hold it against me. She's a pretty awesome person that way. :) We had family prayer and Mom went to sleep.
Sunday, November 27, 2011
I had attended church meetings at 9am. I don’t remember whether I stayed for all three or whether I needed to be home to allow Rachel to leave to go see her family in Salt Lake. I saw Marcine Reese, a good friend of Mom's that lives across the street, at church and she mentioned needing to come by and see Mom. I encouraged her to do so. Mom seemed to be doing well as far as being alert went, but still wasn’t eating much like the night before. I spent the day in Mom’s room. I don’t remember what we did. True to her word, Marcine came over and chatted with Mom, it was mid to late afternoon, but Mom seemed pretty responsive to her and smiled and would say what limited words she could. It was sweet to watch her interact with her friend. As Marcine was just rambling away to Mom, they were looking out Mom’s window at Marcine’s house and Marcine was going on about how bad it looked and that Mom shouldn’t look over there. She mentioned the various things that she had been dealing with, like the leaves on the lawn and the broken microwave on her porch. She then said that she had pulled out her light-up snowman though and how that was something, right? :) She told us she would light it up for Mom to be able to look out her window and see it at night. What a good friend!
Later I decided that I should change Mom and get her ready for bed. I discovered that her bedding was thoroughly soaked. So I started the task of changing and sponge bathing Mom. I just chatted away with her as I did so. At one point I had her rolled over against me and her legs started to slide off the bed. The look on her face was concern, but not fear. I quickly grabbed them and made some joke about my neglect and she smiled at me. We just laughed it off. After getting it all situated I thought to ask her if she might like to wear some pajama bottoms, since her legs were getting colder. Her response still makes me smile, “YES!!!” with a look of pure pleasure! You'd think it was Christmas with how happy she looked! I laughed and pulled out the bottoms that she hadn’t worn in months. I had figured that I would be the one changing her in the morning and that it wouldn’t be a big deal to remove them then, but it was a big deal to help her feel more comfortable and warm. After I finished, I got a little silly and excited for her and she was just beaming from ear to ear! I ran and got Dad and was telling him that Mom had a surprise for him. I must have come across as a little kid on Christmas, I was so excited! When he walked in he was praising it all and excited and she just sat there content and smiling! It was so unusual for her to be so alert and awake so late in the day.
Rachel got back from Salt Lake and was getting Chloe ready for bed as she had been sick and cranky. Then we all just gathered and enjoyed the remainder of the evening together. It was good for me to have had such a great day with her... especially after the previous night.
Later, I left and visited with some friends. I didn't get home until midnight. She was snoring away, but her snoring was different. It sounded a bit congested.
Monday, November 28, 2011
I woke up early and heard Mom snoring the same as the night before. It concerned me a bit. I got up to check to see if she needed to be changed. Her legs were really stiff and I didn't want to hurt her, so I left her. I called my aunts to see what I could do. We decided to see if we could get her to drink something, but she was sleeping. I tried talking loudly but she didn't respond. I inclined her bed to where she was sitting nearly straight up, but again, she didn't wake. She was snoring pretty good, I didn't understand what was going on.
Hospice came by. I was downstairs with Chloe, Rachel and Dad were upstairs to hear what they thought about everything. Rachel came downstairs... sobbing... She couldn't tell me much, but said I needed to go talk to Cammie. I was then informed by Cammie, that this was really it. Mom had made another "turn" and it seemed inevitable. My mother was dying.
Calls were made. Mom's vitals showed how hard she was working at breathing and the suggestion was to put her on oxygen to be able to help her conserve what strength she had left. Not having been there at the beginning when Amy and Jolaine had gone through a questionnaire with Mom, I didn't know what to do. They brought the oxygen and just after they had it all hooked up to her, Amy arrived and tearfully informed them that Mom had specifically asked to not be given any oxygen or other life-saving things. As the nurse was looking for her documentation to show this, Mom apparently started reaching up with her hand a little at a time, reaching for the tubes... It seemed obvious to everyone then, that she did not want oxygen.
My brothers came. Family members out of state, called and talked to Mom, while we held the phone. As she had her mouth opened to breathe, her mouth dried out quickly. We couldn't really give her a drink, so we would swab her mouth... which she would then chew on... All while she remained asleep.
This continued all day Monday.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
I stayed up really late and didn't get to bed until 1:30 or 2am. Around 4 to 4:30 am, I woke up. This is pretty random for me after having stayed up so late, I don't usually wake up that early. I looked over at Mom and her eyes were open! Her breathing was still really labored, but she was looking around. I jumped out of bed and went to her side asking if she was thirsty. She either nodded or said, "Yes", I don't remember... so I started dropping water into her mouth with a straw. Her mouth and throat were pretty dry, but she still wasn't able to handle very much and would cough when I gave her more drops than she could handle.
She would move her arm, while very limited than what it had been before, to try and scratch her nose. She looked towards the window and lifted her hand to open the blinds, like she usually would, but was only able to move just enough to indicate what she she wanted to do. I asked her if she wanted the blinds open and again she communicated that she did. As I turned the handle, we both looked out across the street and saw our neighbor's Christmas snowman. I remembered the conversation from Sunday and exclaimed, "Look Mom! Marcine lit her snowman for you!" Mom turned and looked at me with the biggest grin on her face, showing that she remembered what her friend had promised her.
We sat there for a few minutes, interspersed with my giving her drops of water. Finally, having been kneeling in the recliner next to her bed, holding her hand and she holding mine with her strong hand, I lowered her bed, moved the recliner, grabbed a blanket and just laid next to her holding her hand. I fell asleep like that, holding her hand, next to her, listening to her breathe.
Around 6, I woke up and Mom was asleep again. So I returned to my bed and slept for another hour. When I woke up, I quickly grabbed my phone and began texting my family telling them all of what had happened a few hours before. Dad and Rachel came in and I told them. At one point in my story we looked over and she was awake! I again asked if she was thirsty and she said "yes." I dropped a few drops of water into her mouth and she started coughing. When it stopped I asked if she wanted more and again she nodded. When she coughed again, I asked her, in a sarcastic tone, "Mom, do you want me to give you a break?" To which she said, "YES!" very clearly. It made us all laugh. :)
She soon fell asleep again, and didn't wake up the remainder of the day. When hospice came, we were shown how to turn Mom and instructed to do so every 2 hours to avoid bedsores. So that's what we did every couple of hours. It was best to do it with more than one person. I quickly learned that if she was laying on her left side, her breathing wasn't as labored. In fact, I would have to stop whatever I was doing and just watch her to make sure she still was breathing.
Later in the afternoon, I started reading Mom's journals. There were some funny things in there! :) Being there alone for part of the day, I let time slip past me and I didn't turn Mom as often as I should. I didn't think much of it, she had been in that bed for over two months and hadn't gotten any bedsores. That night as I changed her, I was horrified to see huge purple and red bruising/blisters. Bed sores. I went down to Rachel and sobbed. I had done this. In my ignorance I had neglected the counsel of the nurses and caused my mother discomfort... Rachel cried with me and did her best to comfort me. We were pretty religious after that about making sure she didn't stay on one side very long... and never on her back. Luckily for us, the bed sores never ruptured... although it was a very real fear of mine.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wednesday morning was much like the previous days. Sitting, talking. My grandma (Mom's mom) and my aunt Jolaine called and talked to Mom, while I held the phone to her ear. Grandma sang a song to her and they both said encouraging words to her.
Two months earlier, my sister had talked to a grief counselor and they had told her that often, parents not wanting to cause too much grief, will pass when they are all alone. Knowing my Mom and how she never wanted to be a burden to anyone, I wondered whether she would do the same.
Mom's sister, my aunt Kathy, came over after dropping her stepson off at the MTC. We just sat there chatting. Kathy helped me turn Mom and noticed that there was a tear just to the side of Mom's eye, which she gently wiped away. Then she left.
Not long after, and maybe even before Kathy left, Kayleen and Taylor (my sis-in-law and niece) came over. We were all sitting in Mom's room talking. Dad had left for an appointment and Rachel was downstairs. The phone rang and it was my uncle Greg, Mom's brother just younger than her. He asked if he could talk to her on speaker phone. I told him I'd held the phone to her ear for everyone else if he wanted, to which he said that he wanted me to hear what he had to say as well. Kayleen and Taylor left the room and I put Greg on speaker phone and held the phone close to Mom. He said that Kathy had just called him and told him that Mom didn't look very good. He told her that while she had every right to feel or think differently, it seemed like Heavenly Father was wanting her back home and that she shouldn't fight Him. I cried as he expressed how much he loved Mom and how the whole family was grateful for all that we had been doing to take care of her. He asked me to tell Dad to call him if he needed to and again expressed his love for all of us.
I hung up the phone and went out to talk to Kayleen and Taylor. I talked about how my aunt Sally had passed when she was all alone and thought maybe Mom might do the same. Kayleen quickly disagreed. She reminded me of all the times that Mom had not wanted anyone to leave. DUH! Emily... Mom hated being alone! She always loved just sitting downstairs watching a movie with us, even though she slept through most movies, she always loved being around us. When I realized this, I said, "Well, then what are we doing out here!?!" :) They went in and I went to get Rachel. Taylor had picked out a movie that Mom loved and we were all going to watch it together. After going downstairs, I told Rachel about Greg's phone call and we talked about a few other things... I don't remember it all. I did mention how it had been a secret wish that Mom would somehow say goodbye, that I would get a chance to have that moment with her. Rachel said that I had had my moment the morning before, sitting together in the wee hours of the morning. I hadn't even seen how the Lord had answered my prayer until Rachel had pointed it out. I felt it instantly, that it was true, even if it wasn't the way I thought it would be.
We then went upstairs and joined the rest of them. Rachel reminded us all that we needed to call my niece Abby for her birthday. For years, that was Mom's signature birthday tradition. To call and sing to the birthday person. We aren't great singers and we struggled through every time. We complained about doing it, sure that the birthday person deserved more respect than having to listen to us howl through it. A few years ago, we decided to have fun with it and started to purposely sing horribly. Someone might sing loud, another would drag out each line... It was so bad, it was funny! :) Still, she was determined that everyone got a call for their birthday, even if sometimes it wasn't on the actual day. :)
Dad had just walked in and we all did the worst we could do... :) I think Abby loved it. After hanging up with her, Dad and I went into the kitchen. I had yet to eat lunch and I needed to tell him about Greg's call. The rest stayed and started the movie, What the Deaf Man Heard. After telling Dad about the phone call, we were joking about something, when Taylor walked in, looked at me and said, "Rachel says to come now!" I dropped what I was doing and ran into Mom's room. There Rachel and Kayleen stood, Kayleen saying how she hadn't heard the labored breathing and was watching to see her chest rise only to see it still. I laid my head against her chest, hoping it was just one of those moments that she was holding her breath for second and would start again. It never came.
It seemed that all my Mom was waiting for was to wish her granddaughter a happy birthday. In all that transpired that evening and the days following, I felt the Lord's hand in it all and that everything happened as it should. That it was right and it was the right time. Some describe the experience of losing someone so close to you as bittersweet. I don't know if I was in some form of denial, or more likely sleep deprived, but at that time, all I felt was the sweet assurance that everything was as it should be. That the Lord was very much involved in the whole process... don't worry the bitterness/grief/pain still came, but it didn't and hasn't ever overshadowed the intense sweetness of the Spirit's comfort and my Father's love. There have been times that the pain seems to want to take my peace away, but I fight it, holding on to the sweet reassurances from the Spirit.
It being Mother's Day and almost 6 months since Mom died, I felt that it was time to finish this story. So I spent Mother's Day remembering my Mom. It still catches me off guard that she is gone, but there has been healing.
Elder Richard G. Scott quoted President Joseph F. Smith in this past conference, and it means so much to me: "I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them. … We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors … who have preceded us into the spirit world. We can not forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we can not break. … If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses, … how much more certain it is … to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond … can see us better than we can see them; that they know us better than we know them. … We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us; … their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves."
I know this to be true. I know.
When I first started writing this story a few months ago and felt the overwhelming waves of emotion and grief, I wasn't sure I could handle it. Yet at the same time, I felt a distinct feeling that doing so would help me work through the grief and pain. It has. I feel at peace. Calm. So thanks for reading it all.
To conclude this story, I'm going to share a song that I can't help but think about that Tuesday morning when it was just her and I in the wee hours and I fell asleep holding her hand, listening to her breathe. Most might listen to this and think of the romantic kind of love, but I can't help but relate with so many of the lyrics. I was so grateful for the time I had with my mom and being able to be there helping her. My mom gave everything for her family. I know she loved me so much and did so much to be the best mother I could ask for. I could not ask for more.
Happy Mother's Day! (Now please excuse me while I clean the tear splatters from my glasses...) :)
