Peace

One of my most favorite paintings of Christ - by Jared Barnes

You ever have the moments of reading a scripture or hearing/singing a hymn and the words speak to you, even though you've read/heard/sung it a million times? :)

That happened to me this morning with this hymn. The first two verses pretty much gives voice to the many thoughts, feelings, and questions in my mind lately. Then the answer, which I hadn't forgotten, but it was comforting to hear it again.


Here you go:

Where can I turn for peace?

Where is my solace

When other sources cease to make me whole?

When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice

I draw myself apart searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows?

Where, when I languish?

Where, in my need to know?

Where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

He answers privately.

Reaches my reaching.

In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.

Gentle, the peace He finds

For my beseeching.

Constant He is, and kind.

Love without end.

Now for the version that I listened to this morning:

How do I write this?

Today marks 4 weeks since my mom died.

It feels like years.

There are moments that I miss her so terribly! Sometimes it doesn't feel real, like it was all just a dream and when I walk in the door of my dad's house, she'll be there with a smile, waiting to give me a hug. Other times I'm angry. How could this happen? And so quickly too? A year ago, we were all laughing and living each day just like any other. Today, I'd like to have a few of those days back.

A friend of mine posted this article on facebook. It was very comforting to read. It was a good reminder that everything happened as it should. And while the above feelings I expressed are real and natural feelings, (and they will continue to come) they aren't the true feelings that I have concerning this experience. So, I thought I'd try to share some of what the past few months have been like as well as how I felt as I experienced them.

I was about to apologize for being so personal and then I realized that I'm not sorry for feeling as I do, nor in sharing those feelings.

Before I start, go tell your mom you love her. You won't ever regret it.

September 9, 2011

Friday, September 9, 2011 - I decided to start taking pictures of the morning sky. The album was entitled "I believe in good mornings" a line borrowed from Alex Boye. Those pictures took on added significance over the following weeks and months.

Saturday, September 10, 2011 - While at work, I stepped outside for a lunch break and left my phone on my desk. I came back to a missed call from my mom and a message of her saying "I don't know" over and over. She was moaning and seemed in pain. I called back and my sister, Amy, answered and said that she had woke up with a bit of a panic attack. No words can convey what that phone call did to me. It was so hard to hear her like that. It wasn't the mother I knew.

September 13, 2011

September 14, 2011

Friday, September 16, 2011 -  I had just finished working about 60 hours that week to meet the September 15th tax deadline and my brain was fried. I was so tired. I managed to somehow accomplish some work that day, although I'm not sure how. On my way home from work, my sister Amy called informing me that my mom was in the hospital. And that they had done a few tests and found stuff. They were going to keep her overnight and continue with a few more thorough tests to be sure. We then called the remaining siblings and informed them. I was pretty dazed, partly because of the news and because of working so much that week. I'm not sure I made much sense with anything I did or said that night.

Saturday, September 17, 2011 - The day was pretty planned out, with some time to go and spend with my mom, no matter the results of the tests. Amy called first thing and said that the rest of the tests showed tumors in her brain, lungs, kidneys, and possibly in her bones and blood. For some reason, while this hit me hard, it didn't quite connect what it all meant. I continued with my plans and had just arrived at a RS Super Saturday, which I only intended on being there for about half an hour, when Amy called again. The doctors said, "3-4 months".

I left immediately.

I called family members.

I cried.

I was in shock and almost didn't believe it.

When I got to the hospital, my mom was happy to see me and gave me a big smile. I had to chastise her a bit and told her to stop trying to pull the IV out of her arm on her own. She gave me the look of: "Fine! But I don't like it!" I watched as my aunt helped her to the toilet and had to wipe her like she was a child. I thought how unpleasant that would be to do it. After the doctors officially released her, I helped her change into her normal clothes. She left the hospital in a wheelchair. She had walked in the day before.

Later that afternoon, I returned from the temple and went in to see my mom who had been sleeping the entire day, after being up all night at the hospital. She needed to go to the bathroom and they had set up a portable toilet by her bed. Without even thinking about my earlier thoughts, I helped her get up and then wiped her. It wasn't gross or disgusting. It was right. That shocked me. How could my feelings or thoughts change that quickly?

While at the temple, I thought over what we had been told by the doctors. That they were shocked at the strength of her mind considering all that was going on inside her. But they didn't think that would last long. They said things would get ugly. I grieved at that because my mom had always expressed her desire of having a strong mind to the end, of not suffering, or, and this was one of her biggest concerns, causing anyone else to suffer because of things she would say or do without meaning to. She had always wanted to have us know of how much she loved us and not have anything to question that love. So I prayed. I prayed that the Lord's will be done, but if it was alright with him, could he take her before that happened to her. It was what she wanted.

That night hospice came and set everything up. The head nurse, Cammie, talked to all of us, helping us prepare for what lay ahead. What I took from that talk was that "3-4 months" doesn't always literally mean 3-4 months. Or 3-4 months of time in which she will be coherent and able to be herself. Take advantage of the miracle already before us. I decided that I would come and see my mom every couple of days. We also started working to get my younger brother, who was the only one that hadn't seen my mom in over a year, who had the one grandchild that mom hadn't met yet; and my youngest sister, mom's "baby", who had just moved to Texas, back home.

Sunday, September 18, 2011 - I attended my roommate's Relief Society lesson to be supportive, but came out feeling so much more uplifted. The lesson was on the Spirit World. My roommate introduced it by first giving an overview of the Plan of Salvation. I sat in awe at how blessed I was to have had a mother who taught that to me and my siblings so well, that there wasn't a question in my mind as to what was going to happen to her. I realized how grateful I was that I was still single and had been able to focus on deepening that understanding through the past 10 years. I went to my ward and my bishop asked if I wanted to talk. He told me that he had lost his mother to cancer just before going on a mission. I felt so looked after. I felt like my Heavenly Father was watching out for me and had already set in place all that I was going to need for strength during this experience. I was very humbled.

September 19, 2011

Monday, September 19, 2011 - After work, as I was driving to Provo, I got a call from my sister, Sonja, saying that we needed to set up a sleeping schedule which would require me to be down there 2 out of every 3 nights. I hadn't expected it, but knew it needed to happen in order to take care of my mom at night.

September 21, 2011

September 23, 2011

The rest of that week brought new experiences and challenges everyday. By Friday morning, she had deteriorated so far, we thought we would lose her that weekend. All my brothers and sisters had been able to make it for this weekend. My mom's face lit up when each one walked into her room. She wouldn't stop smiling at being able to see my younger brother and to meet his daughter for the first time. What sacrifices it took to get them all there, but certainly worth it.

September 26, 2011

Tuesday, September 27, 2011 - My mom was awake and talking to me! I was late to work because I thought that having that conversation with her was more important. It was. This also turned out to be the last night I slept in my own bed for over 2 months.

September 28, 2011

September 29, 2011

Saturday, October 1, 2011 - The week previously we had moved from helping my mom to get up to use the toilet, to using adult diapers. ( I STILL hate calling them that... it just doesn't seem respectful. And "briefs" doesn't work either) I spent conference weekend by my mom to help with whatever needed help with. When President Monson announced the Provo Tabernacle Temple, Mom thrust her fist up and yelled, "YES!" :)

Sunday, October 2, 2011 - Most of the morning session was spent helping to change my mom. Out of respect for my mom, I'm leaving out the gruesome details. However, I learned a lesson from this. As I sat thinking about the situation, I started feeling a little impatient, wanting to be able to sit and enjoy listening to conference, not doing what I was doing. And then I looked at my mom and realized that she was probably wishing the same thing for me and that it was a pretty humiliating experience for her. Right then, I changed my attitude and told her not to worry, that it didn't matter and that no matter how long things took, it didn't matter, I was going to stay right there by her. What a difference that attitude made for me to handle the next few months.

(Side note: Parents, I know you like to joke about how you have to change so many baby poopy diapers. But, it is quite a different experience to change your mother's... I no longer think its funny to joke about getting old and having to have our children change our diapers. So if I don't laugh, I'm not mad, I'm just thinking of the wonderful experience I had of serving my mom. You may be thinking, "SICK! How could doing that be something pleasant to think about!" I thought the same before I had to do it. All I can say is that you don't know until you have to do it. It was a special experience for me.)

I didn't get a lot out of conference that day. That night, as I sat reading my scriptures, I was thinking about the issues of how to care for my mom. We didn't have enough people. How could those that were taking care of her during the day, also take care of her at night and not get enough sleep themselves? I prayed for an answer. As I read, the answer came simply, "You can do it." My response... "Alone?!? Every night? What about my sleep?" But even though those questions and many more filled my mind, each one was replaced with peace and some of them with answers. I knew that the answer came from the Lord and that he would provide a way for me to function. So excepting a few nights when I had a cold and didn't want to pass it to my mom, I slept in the same room as her for the remainder of her nights. Most of the time, it was just fine. There were a few nights/early mornings that were a bit rough, but the Lord provided a way for mom to be taken care of and for me to have the privilege of spending that time with her.

To be continued...

For such a time as this...

I've had a bunch of different blog posts on my mind over the last 6 months, yet they haven't made it this far. This is a note that I wrote on facebook. I figured it worked well for those of my friends that keeps tabs on my blog.


Dear Friends,

Where do I even begin? When I tell a story I really like to build up suspense to the climax of it… trying my best to not give away the ending. I love to watch peoples’ reactions. Not this time. So here’s the climax with an explanation that follows. (As a disclaimer, I’m merely sharing this as a means to let my friends know what is going on. I’m not one for sharing such personal information in a public setting, but I’m just not able to find the time to share this individually. So if you have opinions about how this has been handled, please keep them to yourself.) :)

My mom has cancer.

What kind or where you ask? She has 5 tumors on her brain, 2 in her lungs, her kidney, and the doctors suspect her bones and blood. They told us 3-4 months.

Yep, pretty serious stuff.

5 years ago my mom was told that she had kidney cancer. This was based off of one CAT scan. All other tests done at the time didn’t show cancer anywhere else. A couple of years ago, she had blood work done and nothing came up on that either. Apparently, it spread.

In January/February she decided to do some remodel type work on her bedroom. She tore up the carpet and started sanding the wood floor beneath it. The walls had wood paneling on it and we took that off to discover layers of paint and wallpaper. She started scraping that off but found it to be quite the job. My brother assessed the situation and decided to step in. They took down the old wall boards and but up new stuff. The room looks pretty great. However, a few months later, my mom found out she had lead poisoning, we’re assuming from the paint she scraped off the walls. All summer she has been pretty sick with this. She lost a lot of weight and has had no energy. I stayed the weekend with her in late June and was surprised to see her mental abilities quite limited. Communicating was frustrating to her because she would lose her train of thought. At some points I was shocked to see that in some ways, she was like a small child. Turns out, she also suffered a stroke.

While receiving medical treatment through all of this, it wasn’t until a couple of weeks ago, September 16th, that she went into get a heart murmur checked out. The doctor she saw about that was quite alarmed and sent her to the ER. They didn’t see anything bad about the heart murmur, but did a CAT scan, MRI, and who knows what else. They found the tumors on her brain, in her lungs, kidney, etc. Saturday, September 17th, they told us “About 3-4 months.”

What a roller coaster ride it’s been since then, although this past week, things seems to have calmed a bit. She is at home, unable to get out of bed. We have hospice keeping tabs on her. My aunt, my mom’s older sister, has been staying with us helping with her care. My mom tells us, although very limited in being about to communicate, that she wants to live. She wants to fight it. She wants to prove the doctors wrong. So we support that. She always needs to have someone with her, so my sisters and I have been trading times sleeping in the same room and just being with her. My brothers have been great in coming by to be with her and spending time with my dad. I’m in Provo every night now, not being able to help much during the day. We’re all just trying to do what we can.

There are so many blessings being poured out for my family at this time and I am constantly seeing the Lord’s hand in supporting me in this. I’m surprised at how well I’m handling this to be honest. But I shouldn’t be. You see, my mother taught me well. I know the plan of salvation is real. I know that God loves me and is watching out for me. Sure, it’s been an intense couple of weeks, but there have been so many miracles taken place, that in part, I’m not sorry my family is going through this. Of course I would rather my mom didn’t have to go through this. Of course it kills me to think that she might not be around much longer, but it is what it is. My family has really come together. I’m so grateful for real friends. Thank you for your prayers and words of comfort. I know that it’s another manifestation of my Heavenly Father’s love for me.

So, that’s the story. I hope I was able to communicate that all, but if not, just know that my mind is somewhere else.

Thanks for letting me share this with you.

Your friend,
Emily

PS: As far as what anyone can do to help, I've found that hugs are a HUGE help! :) That and prayers.