November 20th - 22nd, 2011

Switching back to the mode of chronological order... I'm able to remember more details of the period, which translates to longer posts. :) As such, I will probably post more than one. I'm not sorry. :) There is a lot from that time that I remember and want to record.

First, some background:
When I moved to Provo to help with Mom, it soon became apparent that I would also need to leave my ward in Salt Lake for the duration. Having church from 11-2 in Salt Lake didn't allow for much flexibility with allowing others to attend their meetings. So I left my cute sunbeams for awhile. (I don't think they even realized I was gone...) :) The Sunday schedule ended up being Rachel and/or Amy with Mom in the morning while I attended meetings from 9-12 and then I had the afternoon with Mom. The ward we lived in during my late teens had been split, so I attended the one that my parents weren't attending. It was great to be surrounded by people that I knew and that knew and loved Mom.  I certainly didn't feel alone being the constant visitor in the ward. I did switch a few times and attended a singles ward with my good friends, the Wilcox's, a few Sundays. Good people, great support!

Also throughout the previous weeks, my aunts and sister would help Mom out of bed each day. They felt it would help her to not be stuck in her bed all the time. At first, Mom was able to support some of her weight, so it wasn't as difficult for us to move her, but we still needed two people to help shift her around. Gradually her strength depleted and she wasn't able to hold herself. I was able to move her occasionally by just giving her a big bear hug and holding her until those around me had maneuvered things to get her situated.

Through trial and error we had also been able to change her diaper situation. Mom had started to sleep longer at night and that resulted in having to switch the bedding a lot more, sometimes in the middle of the night and sometimes more than once. So it would often be the case, that I got to sleep through the night as well. We got pretty efficient at being able to maneuver Mom and change the bedding AND sponge bathe her... We discovered talents we never knew we had! :)

As we needed to make her bedroom work more efficiently, we tried different arrangements until we settled on one where her bed was next to the front window and my bed was at the foot of hers making a backwards L. This proved to be a great thing for her because she was able to lift her left hand (her good one, not as effected by the stroke she had earlier in the summer) and open the blinds and look outside. She did this quite often and was our lookout for whenever we had visitors. :)

So, with that background... Sunday, November 20th.

My Salt Lake ward was having their primary program that Sunday and I had really wanted to go. So I arranged things with Amy and Rachel to have that Sunday "off". My roommate was also teaching RS that Sunday, so I went early to her class and then headed over to my ward. There are few things as awesome as primary programs! Seriously! Single wards miss out! :)

Towards evening, I received a text from Rachel asking for my help with moving Mom. When I got there to move Mom from the recliner to her bed, I was informed that moving her was much more difficult now and Mom wasn't able to help at all, so a 2 person job went to a 3 person job. I think we all felt that is was time we stopped moving her as the risk of her getting hurt was too great. I was informed that the day had been a pretty rough day for them. Mom had been in the "cloud" phase of that cycle for a few days and things just didn't seem to go well. Jolaine had left the day before to Arizona to be with her family for Thanksgiving as well as to see her doctor's about her diabetes that she was dealing with through all of this. It was a pretty somber household that night when I returned. Mom was still passing blood clots, which was news to Dad, but it had been happening off and on for awhile. When I asked the head nurse with Hospice about it, she mentioned that it was fairly normal and that we should only be concerned when the clots were bigger than what we had been seeing.

Monday, November 21st

Just after getting Mom ready for the day and nearly ready to head into work, Dad talked to me about Mom's state. He mentioned that he didn't think she had much time left. Dad had taken care of both of his parents during their final days and so was speaking from his experience and how unresponsive Mom was being. He predicted she wouldn't last to the end of the month. While wanting to accept his experience with death, but also having a hard time accepting such news, I struggled with how to respond to that. I finally said that this wasn't the first time things got low with Mom. It was how the cycle went. While taking these things seriously, I also reminded him that she had surprised us before... many times.

I can't even tell you how hard it is to accept these things. I had the past 2 months to prepare myself and I did, but it doesn't make the prospect any easier to accept. Early on in this process, I remember having a conversation with myself. I was struggling with wanting to just lay in bed and cry about it all and wanting to hope for a miracle. I remember distinctly feeling that it wasn't time to mourn. She was still with us. That became my motive. She was still here and I was going to make the most of every opportunity. I knew there would be time to mourn later.

I went to work and then late afternoon/early evening I received a text or call from either Rachel or Dad, I think Rachel, stating that the head hospice nurse, Cammie, had stated that things looked bleak. That Mom had "turned a corner" and she wasn't going to last too much longer.

I called my brother Freeman, who had mentioned that he and his family had thought about going over to see Mom that night, but had some things come up and weren't sure anymore. I told him what Cammie had said and encouraged them to go over.

I left work and headed home. I have learned that the grieving process is a very delicate thing. And personal. Sometimes it helps to be positive. Sometimes it helps to have people around. Sometimes all you want from people is a sincere expression of sympathy. And sometimes you need to just be left alone to cry. It is really hard to know what to say to people. In my experience, I say, express sincere caring and keep it simple, but do say something. It was difficult for me to have friends that knew about the situation and yet they never said anything to me. I understand that it's hard to know what to say, I do. I've been there, but being the one going through it, feeling ignored or alone makes it worse. At least for me, the Lord gives me strength from those that love and care about me. Luckily for me, I really don't ever need to worry about the lack of support. I have been blessed with knowing the best of the best! It makes me try to be a better friend to them and others. I have a ways to go. :)

That was a tough evening.


Tuesday, November 22nd


As Jolaine was in Arizona, the job of taking care of Mom fell completely to Rachel, which made it difficult having Chloe around all the time. With the news of the day before and all that needed doing, I chose to take the day off of work and be around to help.

But guess what... Mom was awake! And I mean on the upside of the cycle kind of "awake". She was totally responding to us. I spent most of the day downstairs keeping Chloe occupied and Rachel sat with Mom. Mom was confused with the change in everyone and she asked Rachel something, which Rachel wasn't sure, but thought Mom asked, "Am I dying?"

One morning, before leaving for work, I sat talking with Mom and asked her what she was thinking about. She gestured to the wall and I started guessing things that were hanging on it. There was a picture of the Mesa temple and upon guessing that, she said, "Yes!" She was so limited in what she said and while she still was able to communicate so much, I can't wait for the day that I get to find out what she thought through all of this. Did she have conversations with people on the other side of the veil? I don't know, but I wouldn't be surprised.

Later that day, Cammie came to take Mom's vitals. She was surprised to see Mom as alert as she was. She was testing Mom's response with certain things and Mom wasn't trying very hard. I walked over and asked Mom to do the same things that Cammie had asked her to do and got an instant reaction. Cammie asked her a couple of questions and she would sometimes get a response from Mom. After she and my dad left the room, Rachel and I stood by Mom's bed talking with her and she was quick to respond to us and answer our questions. We laughed. Mom and her girls... we have a pretty strong connection. I did tell her that she was gonna have to start responding to others because people were going to think we were making it all up. :)

That night, Amy came over and was feeding Mom dinner. I sat on my bed talking on the phone. Soon it became a group discussion and I was joking around with Mom and Amy and not so focused to the person on the phone. After awhile I felt bad and got up to go into another room to finish the phone call. As I got up, Mom asked me where I was going. I mentioned that I was on the phone and her response was something like, "So what? Stay here!" So I did. :)

Oh did I mention that Amy and Rachel would make plane and train noises while feeding Mom? Such disrespect! "I" would never treat my mother that way... Mom just rolled her eyes... some things never change. :)

Well, that's enough for one post.