You see, there are moments in life that significantly alter your course in life. Some moments we control and some we don't, but it is our choice to allow the change to help us grow. Sparing the details that lead me to it, I will just say this, serving a mission in Ireland has significantly altered my course in life. Or at least, how I deal with it.
I believe that I have been blessed with the gift of faith. I've always known, deep within me, that I was of divine birth. I've always known that my Heavenly Father was real and that he knew me, specifically. I was a a good kid and teenager. I loved gospel study and felt that I had a solid testimony of the restored gospel of Jesus Christ. But that was nothing compared to what I learned in Ireland as a missionary. The knowledge I had before was merely the surface and was deepened through the struggles I faced as a missionary. There was a very special moment in the mission when everything became clear. All the struggling, all the questions, all of it, made sense. I saw myself through His eyes. I felt true joy. I was really happy, for I finally felt true happiness.
Others noticed the change in me. One of my favorite moments was sitting down in front of my mission president for an interview and having him tell me of the light he saw in my eyes. The joy that radiated from me. That was my favorite interview with him, because he understood what had happened to me and we celebrated it together.
The problem was, I had to go home. I REALLY didn't want to. When one experiences true happiness, who would want that to change? Honestly though, I was tired... exhausted would be a better word. And I really missed my family... and well, I didn't really have a choice in the matter. No matter how hard I tried, and I did try, there wasn't a way to extend my mission. I had to come home. And I'm glad I did. It was time, time to take what I had experienced and apply it in "the real world." But a part of my heart remained in Ireland. A part that will always be there.
Over the years that have passed since then, many friends, especially mission friends have teased me for hanging on to mission memories or habits from the mission. (especially being criticized for dressing like one, but I worked at the MTC! Hello?! I wasn't about to spend a bunch of money to have different wardrobes for work and church). I've been thanked for keeping in contact with various mission friends and praised for having a great memory for the details of the experiences had there.
The last day in Ireland, my mission president counseled us to not forget the things that we had learned. He asked us to place our name tag some place where we would see it often and remind us the things we had learned and that the mission shouldn't be the spiritual highlight of our lives. (I still have my name tag displayed on my wall). He said we should continue to have spiritual experiences throughout the rest of our lives. I have done this and continue to have experiences that have only deepened the knowledge I gained as a missionary. And yet, my heart, or a part of it, still remains in Ireland. And I wouldn't have it any other way. For it reminds me what life is all about. That experience of feeling true joy, that is what helps me to be patient in the Lord's timing. That is what strengthens my faith when the evidence isn't seen. It's what I long for.
So, I will continue to hang on. Moving forward, yes. Not living in the past, but learning to see it through His eyes to move me forward now. Moments of joy can still be had, and they are, for that is the purpose. To be reminded of who we are and where we came from and then to choose to return back to him, gaining wisdom through the experience.
Thank you, dear Father, for allowing me this wonderful opportunity to struggle and succeed. To experience the bitter moments in life and for helping me to not allow them to make me bitter. (It's a challenge to be sure).To be away, so that the longing to return can be felt. Thank you, for getting me to Ireland. I will never be the same.
~ Emily
"I say unto you, I would that ye should remember to retain the name written always in your hearts, that ye are not found on the left hand of God, but that ye hear and know the voice by which ye shall be called, and also, the name by which he shall call you.
